WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sober January is a disaster.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
