Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
