I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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