he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
