no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
PANTIES FOUND
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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