I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
