I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Your cock deserves a montage
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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