Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
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Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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