____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
