sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
