I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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