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I just made out with a guy for $7.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
