If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
