I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
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how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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