just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
