He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
