Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
