I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
