I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I lost the right to judge tonight
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
