You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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