I can tuck mytits in my pants
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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