Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
