Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
