3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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