thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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