who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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