im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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