in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
