My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
