i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
