Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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