Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We are two peas in an std pod
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
