The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
