Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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