we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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