Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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