now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
