I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
