You smell like stripper and shame
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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