First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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