Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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