no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
