i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He felt like a one man threesome
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
