She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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