Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
