I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
being pregnant is like rehab
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
