I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
