I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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