First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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