So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
