I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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