do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
