I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
