god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
