i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
