I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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